Lately, I’ve noticed my middle child struggling with obedience. Her tendency is to respond to a command by bursting into tears and saying I don’t want to… I need help… I can’t… and so on. I’ve been trying to teach her how to respond to her emotions. One way is to teach her how to appeal: May I finish my coloring page? instead of I don’t want to! or Let me finish this coloring page.
Today she was having hard time obeying.
Among other actions I took, was to talk about Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). I had her repeat it after me a few words at a time (and she did it! This is progress.) We prayed and asked God to help her obey cheerfully. We talked about thinking “I can, through Christ” instead of “I can’t” Then I sent her to obey.
Alas, she became mired again. When I pointed out that she was getting distracted, and that she must obey, she burst into tears again. “I can’t” We said the verse again.
Eventually the task was completed. I wasn’t feeling like we had made much progress.
Two thoughts:
- I had been reading on the couch. In retrospect, I should have gotten off the couch right away and sat next to her while she obeyed. I think it would have made a difference in her motivation (think of mom as coach and not antagonist). You would think I would know better, and I do. But I don’t always do what I know is best.
- Several hours later, my son said, I can say that whole verse. and proceeded to do so. This got me thinking again about indirect teaching. Is this the way he learns best? Is that a good thing or a challenge to work on? I don’t know, so I’m praying for wisdom.
Michelle,
Your son is responding to what I call teaching in the milieu of life. He observed you faithfully challenging your daughter over a period of time. You were addressing with her the same issues that he struggles with. (Actually what we all struggle with – as per your first thought above) He heard God’s word being applied in everyday language and context. The verse made sense to him in that context. This is what Deut. 6 is directing parents to do. The word of God and the love of God is to dominate our everyday language and lifestyle. Your description of your first thought is exactly the same issue that your children struggle with. Too often we make our children’s lack of response a test of faith rather than identifying that lack of response with our failures to do what we know we should do. To be able to say to your child that you also know what it is like to struggle with obeying God is a wonderful way to disciple them in the things of God.
Be encouraged by God’s faithfulness to you. Even though upon reflection you thought your response to your daughter was lacking by not getting off the couch, God still blessed your efforts with your daughter and also your son. We don’t have to do everything “just right” for God to bless. The reality is that we will never “get it just right” but God will bless us even in our weakness because of his commitment to us in Christ. This is an important message for our children as well.
Thanks for these words. It is an encouragement that I do not need to be supermom for God to work in my life and my children’s. Am I worrying about nothing, then, that he seems to learn best indirectly? A wise person receives instruction…
My oldest daughter, our middle child, learned how to read from observing my wife teach her two older brothers. Her interest was motivated by not wanting to miss out on what the boys were learning. However, out of 5, she was the only one who grasped reading that way. While your son might learn “best” in an informal, indirect setting there will be some things that it is important to learn regardless of the type of learner he is. As you know, I believe that spiritual growth takes hold most profoundly in the informal indirect settings. There is always a mix of the direct / indirect or formal / informal. We need both. Determining the makeup of that mix is one of the most significant challenges a parent faces in educating their children. My daughter in areas other than reading really thrived best when she had direct instruction. perhaps your son will do well with an emphasis on practical application where he sees how things actually work out in life.
He may need help to see how the particular things he learns fit into helping him thrive in God’s world. Obeying God can’t be left strictly to the indirect. Children are far more complex and capable of dealing with abstracts than they are often given credit for. Man is fearfully and wonderfully made. I fear that what is often deemed as children not being ready to handle spiritual “abstract” thinking is in reality parents not connecting the truth of Scripture in a way that fits with each individual child. The teachings of Piaget leave little room for the work of the Spirit. Each of our 5 had markedly different learning styles. Trying to fit them into a mold that would work for all of them would have been a disaster. Providing a way for your children to learn what they must yet still allows them to learn in a way that works for them is a huge responsibility.
You can still teach with authority even if the style is more indirect. Parents should have an idea of what they believe their children should be equipped to do when they leave home. Having this end goal in place can help with day to day instruction. Helping your children become aware of the way God “wired” for learning can be a tremendous blessing to them.
Sorry for rambling on. Hope this is helpful.
These are helpful thoughts, Jay. They will help me as I observe more how each of my children learn. BTW, I’d love to see you tackle developmental psychology from a biblical perspective. I’ll buy the book!